I sat on the beach tonight watching the gushing waves break in front of me while the Heavens released small intermittent showers of water and the Earth released Schumacher whirls of winds, leaving sand blasted tattoo markings on my pale but tough vaalie skin….. when suddenly I experienced a surge of uncontrollable emotions….. and I began to weep. I wiped my tears and swallowed my gasps, anxiously looking around in fear of anyone seeing me naked…. naked from all the masks I wear so boldly… but alas…
I wept and wept….
I wept about my mother who doesn’t want me and in the same insane breath I wept about my Father who makes up for 10 times that mother and all the other mothers that do.
I wept about being all alone in this moment with no life partner to share my failures and flaws, my smiles and successes… my heartaches and joys, my moods and my madness… even though it’s the life I have chosen.
I wept about the precious furry loved ones I have lost this past while that I comfortably stored away and ignored.
I wept about the loved ones lost this year… the fleshy human ones. The son, the brother, the husband and friends of my special ones.I wept about those I Loved and lost and those who were saved.
I wept about those I have saved and I wept about those I haven’t.
I wept about my fears of decision making going forward…. do I stay or do I go? What difference would registering an NPC make? If my friends don’t support me now (besides a small handful) why would they support me then? It’s still me… Angi… doing what I’ve always done.
I wept about my Blessings, my life of abundance, wondering what I did to deserve it yet selfishly craving more.
I wept because I am so tired… so unbelievably tired and afraid of the life I have chosen yet living the dream I wouldn’t change for the world.
I wept for the peace our Mother Earth and everything she carries, so desperately deserves and needs but isn’t getting.
I wept for our feathers and furs, our scales and tails. Our paws and claws, our trotters and hooves that suffer everyday at the hand of man…
I wept because I don’t know how to loyaly show my gratitude that’s far greater than my greed…
…I JUST WEPT!
Angi Smit
